This came to me in the middle of the night, a few nights before my husband died. It woke me in a flurry to find pen and a pad, to jot down what was appearing in my minds eye. I have shared this with a few friends that have also had big losses. Maybe it will help you as it has me. When I read it to my husband the next day, a tear slid down his cheek. If it helps anyone to have understanding or gain peace, that makes it all the more wonderful.

ME

By Arlene Ritzhaupt

Where will I be

When I’m going to be me?

How will I know when I’m me?

Since it’s all about me?

When my color turns gray,

Will it truly be me?

Do I sing?

Do I cry?

Do I want me to be me?

Will I fit?

Can I stand it?

Will the skin be too tight?

Will it be comfy and cozy?

With my sweet home in sight?

Will I want to be me from bone to bone?

Will I say I’m happy as if I were home?

Will it fit for me, to be at home with the me that I be?

Where will I be when I’m truly me?

Will the being me be the best of the being?

Will I have earned my stripes and enjoy being me?

Can I truly be me?

For if I don’t like me what shall I do?

Can I remake me all over and new?

From scratch this time, I hope to be me.

What can I add that will make me be me?

More like the me of me,

The me I must be.

The me I should be.

The me I want to be.

The me I will be.

The me I can understand as me.

Please could you tell me, the me I’m to be?

Please give me a clue of who this me should be.

There is a me inside that’s grown beyond this me.

There is a me that’s not the me, as I know it to be.

For it follows me.

It whispers to me,

It taunts me, to be me.

But I still don’t hear what this me must be.

Tell me for sure in words that I hear.

Who is this me that I must be?

Tell me of this me that I am to be.

How can I now change this me that I be?

Can I now muster to improve the me that I be.

For I feel the pull of the challenge to be just ME.

Copyright 2003

Arlene Ritzhaupt